A guide to child-inclusive mediation

Divorce can be a challenging and stressful experience for everyone involved, especially children. It is crucial that both parents and professionals have regard to children’s well-being during this process.

To help ease the stress and ensure children’s needs are prioritised, child inclusive mediation (CIM) offers a valued approach by actively involving children in matters that concern them. As an option within family mediation, child inclusive mediation seeks to involve children in the process and prioritise their needs and perspectives.

In this guide, you'll find everything you need to know about child inclusive mediation. We’ll explore the process, its benefits, and what you can expect, helping you divorce with your child's best interests at heart.

What is child inclusive mediation?

Child inclusive mediation is a process that provides for children to speak with a professionally qualified mediator when parents are going through a separation or divorce. This approach gives children a safe and supportive environment to express their views and concerns, helping parents make decisions that truly consider their children's best interests.

Recognising the importance of involving children in decision-making, child inclusive mediation ensures that children feel heard, valued, and included in the decisions that impact their lives. The underlying philosophy is that the best interests of the child are the top priority in a divorce or separation, and children have the right to be heard in matters affecting them.

By including children in mediation, parents can better understand their children’s perspectives, leading to more informed and thoughtful decisions.

Child inclusive mediation is usually raised as an option to family mediation clients, and it is recommended that children over the age of 10 should be offered the opportunity to take part in mediation. For instance, we offer child inclusive options as part of our child mediation services.

The role of children in child-inclusive mediation

In child inclusive mediation, children actively share their perspectives and feelings about their family life and any changes that may be taking place due to divorce or separation. This involvement allows them to express what's important to them and how they feel about their future living arrangements and family relationships.

The involvement of children is crucial for several key reasons:

• Voice and influence: Involving children in mediation respects their rights and acknowledges their stake in family outcomes. For example, a child might express a preference for living arrangements that better support their school and social activities. It gives children a sense of participation and validation, helping to ease the emotional burden of family restructuring. Research supports that child inclusive mediation is a cathartic and validating experience for children, which helps them to get things out in the open.
• Educational value: the process educates children on decision-making and conflict resolution, providing them with useful coping mechanisms during family changes. This can help your children feel more secure despite the uncertainty surrounding their family situation.
• Confidentiality and control: children control the information they wish to share through the mediator. By contributing their views, children can directly influence decisions that affect their lives, ensuring that outcomes are more aligned with their needs and wishes.

While children play a crucial role in sharing their perspectives, it's important to clarify that the final decision-making rests with the parents. Your mediator facilitates this process, ensuring that all parties' voices, including, where appropriate, the children's, are considered before reaching a final agreement.

Child inclusive mediation is voluntary and requires consent from everybody involved, including the children. It’s also important to note that, like all forms of mediation, CIM is not to be considered as an alternative to counselling or therapy. It’s a process that enables children to be heard in family disputes.

How does child inclusive mediation work?

Child inclusive mediation is a structured process designed to ensure that the needs and voices of all family members, especially children, are considered during divorce or separation. Here’s how it works:

1. Initial meeting with parents

The mediator first meets with the parents to discuss child inclusive mediation within the mediation process. This discussion will help you learn more about how child inclusive mediation works and consider how to arrange it to meet your children’s needs.

The mediator will explain how this approach respects the children’s rights and can lead to more emotionally supportive outcomes. They’ll also ensure that both parents understand the importance of respecting their children’s perspectives. The mediator will seek assurances from parents not to coach their child prior to the meeting with a mediator and/or quiz them afterwards.

Following this meeting, and assuming that everyone feels that child inclusive mediation is appropriate, the mediator will ask both parents to provide their consent to a mediator meeting with their child. The mediator will then invite the child to meet with them.

2. Separate meetings with the children

A specially trained child inclusive mediation (CIM) mediator, who may be different from the mediator working with the parents, conducts separate sessions with the children. These sessions allow for the children to express their views and preferences in confidence, without feeling influenced or pressured by their parents.

The mediator uses age-appropriate language and techniques to ensure children understand their role and the purpose of the mediation. This helps the CIM mediator understand the children's needs and concerns, and provides an opportunity for the children to express themselves in a safe and supportive environment.

The CIM mediator checks what, if any, messages the children would like the mediator to share with their parents.

3. Follow-up meeting with parents

After meeting with the children, the CIM mediator meets again with the parents to relay any messages or feedback from the children. This is an opportunity for parents to understand their children’s best interests, and work with the mediator to make decisions with these interests in mind.

This is also a moment for the mediator to help parents understand how to communicate effectively with their children about the decisions made, helping facilitate a better post-mediation relationship.

What are my children’s legal rights?

Children have legal rights that should be taken into consideration during divorce or separation. These rights are outlined in the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child and the Children’s Act 1989, which include:

• Rights to express views: children are entitled to express their views freely on matters that affect them, with consideration given to their age and maturity.
• Consideration in legal proceedings: professionals and courts must consider children's views in any legal decisions impacting them, ensuring their perspectives influence outcomes.
• Participation in decision-making: although not decision-makers, children's opinions should meaningfully influence the mediation process, reflecting their needs and interests.

Child inclusive mediation ensures that these rights are upheld and that children are consulted in decisions that affect them.

What will the mediator ask my children?

The mediator will be sensitive to the child's age, maturity, and ability to communicate effectively, and will tailor their questions accordingly. It is likely that the mediator will spend some time talking with your child to understand their daily routine, hobbies, and interests, as well as their relationship with each parent.

The mediator will help your child to explain what is important to them and agree what, if any, messages they would like the mediator to share with their parents. The mediator may ask:

• Open ended questions: “Can you help me understand what you meant when you said you feel more comfortable at one parent's house?”
• Future-oriented questions: “Are there any changes you would like to see in the current arrangements?”
• Hypothetical questions: “Imagine if you could create your ideal schedule for spending time with each parent. What would that look like?”
• Scaling questions: “On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you feel the current arrangements are working? What could be changed to improve that number?”

It's important to note that the mediator's role is not to pressure or persuade the child to take a particular position or side. The mediator is there to help the child feel comfortable expressing their views and to ensure that their needs are taken into account in the decision-making process.

To learn more, read our guide on what questions does a mediator ask a child?

Respecting parental authority and consent

When a mediator is working with children in child-inclusive mediation, it's important to balance the child's right to be heard with the parents' right to make decisions on behalf of their child. The mediator must respect parental authority and consent when speaking with the child and involving them in the mediation process.

Here are some ways that the mediator can respect parental authority and consent when working with children:

• Obtaining consent
• Discussing boundaries
• Focusing on the child's best interests
• Providing feedback
• Upholding confidentiality

The benefits of child-inclusive mediation

Child-inclusive mediation puts children’s needs and interests at the forefront of the dispute resolution process. Alongside this, there are numerous other benefits for all parties involved in a separation, divorce or other family dispute.

Some of the main benefits of child-inclusive mediation include:

Reduced conflict

Child-inclusive mediation can reduce conflict between parents by providing a safe and supportive environment for all parties to discuss their concerns and work towards a mutually acceptable agreement.

In most cases, parents will have a shared interest in doing what’s best for the child. By involving the child in the process, parents may be more motivated to work together and find solutions that are in the best interests of the child.

Improved communication and relationships

By including children in the mediation process, parents can improve communication and work towards repairing damaged relationships. Parents may be more likely to communicate openly and honestly with each other, and focus on co-parenting strategies that prioritise the needs and concerns of the child.

Increased control over the outcome

Child-inclusive mediation can give parents and children more control over the outcome of their separation or divorce. In contrast, a court-setting might not give all parties the chance to communicate as openly and freely as mediation allows. Parents may be more invested in finding a solution that works for everyone, and may be more likely to adhere to the terms of the agreement.

Better outcomes for children

Child-inclusive mediation can have positive outcomes for children by ensuring that their needs and concerns are taken into account in decision-making. This is not only important for the mediation process itself, but can also be beneficial long term.

Children who are involved in the process may feel more empowered and less anxious about the future, and may have a better understanding of the reasons behind their parents' separation or divorce.

Cost-effective

Mediation can be a cost-effective alternative to traditional litigation or court proceedings. Average mediation costs are often lower than solicitor fees, for example, and can be quicker and less expensive than going to court. This can help to avoid the financial and emotional costs associated with a protracted legal battle.

When to consider child inclusive mediation

Child inclusive mediation is particularly beneficial in certain scenarios. Consider CIM if:

• The child is over 10 years old: Children of this age can articulate their feelings and opinions more clearly.
• Both parents consent: Parental consent is crucial for the process to proceed smoothly.
• The child expresses a desire to participate: Children who want to be heard should be given the opportunity.
• Parents aim to reduce conflict: Mediation can create a cooperative atmosphere, essential for effective co-parenting.

When not to consider child inclusive mediation

While CIM has many benefits, there are situations where it might not be suitable:

• High levels of conflict or domestic violence: If there is ongoing conflict or a history of abuse, mediation might not be safe or effective.
• Children are too young: Very young children may not have the capacity to participate meaningfully.
• One parent does not consent: Both parents need to agree to the process for it to be effective.
• The child is unwilling: Forcing a child to participate can be counterproductive and stressful for them.
• The child is already meeting with other professionals: When children already have other professionals involved (e.g., Children’s Services and/or CAFCASS) there is a risk that they may feel overwhelmed.

Conclusion

Child inclusive mediation is a valuable process for parents navigating the difficult process of separation or divorce. By involving their children in the mediation process, parents can gain a better understanding of their children's needs and concerns, and work together to develop a parenting plan that is in the best interests of the children.

It's important to choose a specialist mediator who is trained in child inclusive mediation and has experience working with families in similar situations. At Mediation First, our team includes Child Inclusive Mediators who are trained to work with children. With the right support, parents can successfully navigate the challenges of separation and create a brighter future for yourselves and your children.

Speak to a mediator

Find out more or get started with child-inclusive mediation by getting in touch with our team. We are here to help you understand more about how mediation can help you, and help you learn more about how it works.

FAQs

Who needs to consent for child inclusive mediation?

For child inclusive mediation to proceed, consent is required from both parents and the child. It's crucial that all parties agree to participate willingly. This ensures a trusting environment where the child's voice can be heard effectively, and the mediation process can be conducted smoothly.

At what age is child inclusive mediation suitable?

Child inclusive mediation is generally recommended for children over the age of 10. Children in this age group are typically better able to articulate their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, which is essential for their meaningful participation in the mediation process. However, the child's maturity and comfort level are also important factors to consider. Also, younger children are sometimes involved as part of sibling groups.

Where does child inclusive mediation take place?

Mediation sessions can be conducted in various settings, including the mediator's office, a neutral location, or online through virtual meetings . The primary goal is to ensure that the environment is safe, comfortable, and conducive to open communication for the child.

How much does child inclusive mediation cost?

The cost of child inclusive mediation can vary based on several factors, such as the mediator's fees, the complexity of the case, and the location. Generally, mediation is more cost-effective than traditional court proceedings, offering a more affordable solution for many families. Additionally, some mediators may offer sliding scale fees or payment plans to accommodate different financial situations. The Family Mediation voucher Scheme, which we offer at Mediation First, also covers child inclusive mediation sessions.